Writing About A Boy

I didn't want this piece to be about my high school sweetheart. I wanted to be able to say that my most significant personal transformation came from some event less superficial than a high school relationship, like study abroad, or my Dad's illness, or my family. I had a problem admitting that Matt still plays a big role in my life as a catalyst for change. It was an insecurity of mine; I felt embarrassed that an ex-boyfriend defines so much of me. But I didn't feel that way once I finished the essay. I felt proud and empowered, and I can't be ashamed of my past.

Now let me take a step back: Once I told myself that it was okay to write about my high school boyfriend, I still needed to think hard about myself and figure out if that was as deep as I could go. I thought about how I've changed, how I manifest those changes, who I am, how I live my life differently now versus before. I know I am a much different person than I was in high school, than I was before I left for Ecuador last August, than I was even a week ago at the start of spring quarter. But to actually transform those reflections into a tangible thing like a personal essay and find words that don't sound preachy and cliche, was both frustrating and liberating. I never had that conversation with myself before. And I found that right now was the best time to do it--as I'm coming back from study abroad, trying to reignite an excitement for school, and cutting myself off from a year-long fling. All of these recent changes are forcing me to question everything I once sought and believed in, and how I got to be the person I am at my core.

So I chose to accept Matt as the most critical part of my personal journey thus far, with reluctance though. I found myself belittling every moment of that relationship. I wrote, deleted, wrote and again deleted sentences like, "It was an immature relationship," or, "It was just puppy love." Which is why, reading my piece once it was finished, I don't feel like I was being true to what really happened those high school years and beyond. I was criticizing young love when I am still the first person to say that age doesn't matter when you meet the right person. What we had was young and innocent love, and it didn't work out but that shouldn't negate the rest.

In terms of content, I have some gaps to fill. When I know the story so well, I take for granted certain details. I don't think the audience gets to know Matt as well as they need to to understand why he was so hard to say goodbye to. Or certain events that would better explain the relationship dynamic. I also worry that certain parts are too fragmented, and certain ideas not drawn out enough. So I'm really looking forward to workshop this week!